The truth is




I am depressed.

This might be the hardest and most real post I'm putting "out there." And I know once it's "out there" there is no taking the post back.  But I feel the need to share this.  Because this is important.  And if you are someone who is afflicted with depression, my hope is that you'll find relief in my words.  You've got a friend right here.

So let me go back a little bit.  

I've had this underlying sadness for a long time.  Probably 3 years now (maybe longer).  This sadness  is always present, like a nagging undercurrent that never goes away.  I have gotten really good at hiding it.  And stuffing it. And dare I say...drinking it away sometimes.  But the sadness never really goes away. It's just this dull heaviness I've learned to carry around with me.  For awhile I thought this was normal...all people feel sad, right? Sure, people feel sad for a little bit and then are usually happy again.  But sadness, all the time, is not "normal." My life is sadness all the time with a little happy peppered in.  It really should be the other way around.  

For the past 3 years I have exhausted myself on reading pretty much every spiritual self-help book I could find. I have written enough positive affirmations to reach the top of the Sears Tower.  I have prayed. I write in a gratitude journal (still do!). I have done enough yoga to last 3 life times. And for crying out loud, I AM A YOGA TEACHER! How can I possibly be depressed?  Well folks, it happened. And it's now a journey I am learning to navigate and understand.  The brain is powerful beyond measure...and it's pretty easy to get sucked into the black hole of depression when major life changes happen (death, divorce, illness, hormones, etc.).  Depression is an illness.  I didn't ask for it.  I am not a bad person because of it.  But I am depressed.  And I am going to work through this.




So how did I discover I was suffering from depression?  I picked up a book (very accidentally) called "Uncovering Happiness." I opened up to a page that read,  "you might be suffering from depression if..."  And listed were about 30 different signs and symptoms.  I related to every single item EXCEPT loss of appetite (go figure)!!!!  Let me repeat, I related to every single sign of depression.  I felt my heart stop in that moment.  And then, I felt relief!  Like, OH MY GOD, this is it!  Finally!  I know what the fuck is wrong with me and now I can finally figure out what the fuck to do about it! It might have been my biggest Aha! Moment of my life.

I am not thrilled to write this post.  But I am thrilled to know that I can begin healing.  I am learning to notice my thoughts more and stop the loop of negativity.  It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination. But I now have tools that I can use...which is such a relief.  

AND...I am beginning to feel like myself again. 

I am mostly writing this post in hopes that it will reach someone who feels similar.  Just know there is hope and healing.  Our brains can be re-wired.  We can use mindfulness and self-compassion as a tool to heal and get our lives back.  We can be happy.  We all deserve to be happy!  I am working on happiness!

I am also working very hard on looking inward when I am not feeling good.  Exploring the pain.  That's the hardest part.  I want to bury the pain (I think we can all relate to that).  I want to bury the heavy emotions.  But I am learning to explore my pain so I can begin understanding it and then move forward into healing.  I am realizing that this might be the most important work I do in my life.

So there you have it.  I'm exposed and vulnerable.  But this is where my healing begins.

I am no expert on recovering from depression, but below are some resources that have helped me tremendously.  I am not out of the woods...but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.  And that makes me pretty damn happy!

So cheers to progress and feeling more happiness.  I wish you happiness!



Resources: 

Uncovering Happiness (book by Elisha Goldstein)
Do Yoga
Meditate
Talk to a friend or therapist 
Eat healthy foods and take Vitamin D
Get some sun
Go dancing
Go for at least a 15 minute walk (outside) with no phone
Mind your thoughts (can you "catch" recurring negative thoughts before springing downward)
Pet an animal
Take a hot bath
Journal
Take a social media break


Thug Unicorn



I am so into this.  Thug Unicorn! YES!  

Ok, lean in and listen ladies...  

OWN IT!

Did you get that?

Own. Your Shit.  The good and the bad! 

OWN IT!

For so long I felt inadequate. I felt bad for feeling too much.  I stuffed my feelings.  Then I became overly emotional.  Then I began to distrust my intuition.  I stayed in sick relationships too long because I just wanted to be part of "something."  OMG.  Such bullshit!!!  I put up with a lot of shit. I stood in fiery hell and watered other's while I burned.   I hung myself on the meat hook only to look down in pain to serve others before me.

I didn't own it.  I let other's own me.

No more.

I am a thug unicorn now.

What does that mean?

It's means this (to me...).  I will no longer step back and let others beat me up emotionally.  I will vow to love myself and practice self compassion.  When my intuition speaks up, I will listen (even if I don't like what it says).  I will love with power and passion!  And if you are part of my tribe...I am going to love you fiercely with no judgements!  I will honor your journey and be present and here.  I will put my fucking phone down when we talk!  I will live in the present moment.  I will let go when I am no longer honored or wanted.  I will be calm and quiet and peaceful.  But I may yell and scream and cry when necessary.  I will no longer walk on egg shells for anyone.  But I will be gentle and kind and empathetic.  I will wear my emotions like a badge but won't barf my shit all over you.  I will cry when I am sad.  I will be angry when I feel wronged.  I will laugh with abandon.  I will dance like I'm 20.  I will rock red lips if I want!  I will wear whatever the fuck I want!  I will eat cake without guilt.  I may drink a little too much one night and own the hangover the next day.  I will nap.  I will stay open.  I will remember I am worthy and strong.  I will play.  I will work hard. I will seek my truth daily.  I will be perfectly imperfect.  I will honor my journey.  I won't put up with bullshit.  And I will no longer settle for less!




Find more awesome quotes by Thug Unicorn here & here.


Now go out there and OWN IT!

Shine on!

xoxo


P.S.  I think you should write out your own thug unicorn manifesto!!






tender as you grow


No one said growth was easy.  

Actually growth is scary as fuck.  It's downright bewildering.  Life feels totally unstable.  You will lose yourself at times and you may lose family, friends, and lovers.

That sucks.  No lie.

And if that doesn't suck enough...then you may feel all alone.  All alone.  

But you are not entirely alone.

You have some help.  Your wise self.  Some angles perhaps.  The universe.  God.  Whoever you believe in.  Just ask for help.  Pray.  And then pray some more!

Yes, change can feel lonely.  And change is scary.  

BUT...that's OK!

I'm there.  Right now.  I am changing.  And it's really really weird and uncomfortable.

Because:


I am growing.  When the time comes in your life when your soul says...let's go, let's GROW!  You gotta heed the call.  And everything you knew before the call will change.  That's just how it works.

*gulp* 

Your life will change.  And a journey begins. A new chapter in your book of life!  As much as it's scary, it's exciting too!  Yes?  Your journey will not always be easy but it will be filled with all sorts of surprises. You will find some cool shit on your path. You might pick up and move far away.  You'll meet soul "mates" that jive with your new groove. You might even start taking salsa dancing lessons!  And for sure, you will find a bit of magic on your path.  Now that is something to look forward to!

The benefit of growth is you will be challenged to change the way your think, see and feel.  How cool is that?  AND, then *drumroll* you will begin to shed your ego (that's the not so much fun part...hate to spoil the fun).  Soul growth fights the ego and questions the ego's actions.  And the ego does NOT like to be questioned!  The ego abhors change.  And so the ego gets nasty and shitty.  Real quick!  So buckle up!

And how does one tame the beastly ego?

With tenderness my dear.

With tenderness.

I took the photo above this morning of my hand cradling the gentle blossom.  And that is what you must do...cradle your "humanness."  Be gentle with yourself as you journey forward into the unknown.  This is not a time to beat yourself up.  This is not the time to criticize. No no no!  

Tender as you grow. 

Tender as you journey into the unknown.

Hold softness towards yourself and be kind.  And be quiet.  And be brave!

Remember this!!

Listen to your heart.  Follow the gentle nudges.  Your soul is a master guide.  She knows where to go (she's been around awhile and knows more than you think!).  If you feel totally lost, blind and confused...get quiet. Listen.  Soul talk is sincere, loving and kind.  Ego talk is scary, mean and hurtful.  Listen to your soul.  Tell your ego to take a nap. Got it??  Cool...  

A napping ego is a happy ego (just like a toddler).

So if you are heeding a "soul call" and navigating life changes, be tender.  Surrender.  Don't fight your ego (if you can help it) and don't fight the process.  I fought hard for awhile... I can tell you from experience that it's exhausting.  But that was also part of my lesson.  My ego is a stubborn brat at times!  I am still learning.  And I am making my ego take more naps (it really helps!).

So my dear...  

Be tender as you grow.  Trust the process.  Trust the journey.  And enjoy the ride.

You are headed somewhere grand!!!  Like some place really awesomely grand!  

May you find peace and joy on your journey.

xo




Queen



I've had this tattoo on my mind for awhile.  I knew when the time was right, i'd go and get it.  The time was right last Wednesday.  Funny how that works...

Queen.

I am a queen.

But not in a way you may commonly think of a queen.  Not royal. Not elite. Not sitting on a throne. Not looking down upon my people.  No.  Nothing like that.

This crown represents the power I am calling back to my soul.  The power I have given away that is rightfully mine.  The power lost to despair, anxiety, worry, anger, trauma and pain.  I am calling that power back.  That power has been transmuted and it's back home in my heart.  I am turning that pain to love.  And that does take strength.  It's powerful beyond words.

I am a queen of hearts.

I am walking away from the past with my heart forward.  The future is unknown.  But I will walk anyway.  My power is back.

One step at a time.  Bravely human.

What pain do you have "out there?"

Call it back.  Release those binds.  Call your power home.  Let that pain be transformed to love.

Can you feel the heaviness lift?

That's power.

Be a queen of your heart.  You are worthy of love.  You are a warrior.




Then say this:  

"I call all of my power back to me now.  I am whole and complete."

Namaste.

xoxo








crazy wild sexy


Be wild
Be crazy
Be sexy
Be a badass


I was sitting on the couch a few nights ago feeling anything but "crazy wild sexy!"  How can one be a sexy badass while having hot flashes!!! OMG!  This is new for me.  Hot flashes!  Hot flashes do not make me feel sexy.  They make me feel old and sweaty (not sexy). On top of that, I've had a long week and I felt a little sad.  So I was stuffing my face with ice-cream and had a pity-party for one (again, not sexy).  Oh middle age and peri-menapause.  Good times.

I am in new territory here.  The world is my oyster and it freaks me out a little.  What should I do with my life?  Besides sitting on my couch and stuffing my pie hole with ice-cream and cupcakes...what can I do that is FUN?  F-U-N?  It's not drinking until 3am and waking up with a stranger in my bed.  No. No. No.  Too old and wise for that bullshit!  I want something more!  MORE!

Where is my "crazy wild sexy?"  

Hellooooooooooooo?   Is the badass home?  Can she come out to play?

*silence*  *tumbleweeds*

sigh.

Somewhere buried deep inside me is a young free soul dying to come out and play.  So the question is, what is stopping her?

Can you relate???

Well, I am going to find her!  Let the "crazy wild sexy" hunt commence!

I think you should join me on this hunt!

I am tired of feeling old and sad.  Fuck this.  I want to dance again!!  So I signed up for salsa lessons!  That is a start.  I can't wait for that.  But something else needs to change, and that begins with my self talk.  I can be so mean to myself.  Cruel actually.  When I look in the mirror I see a bunch of stuff I don't like.  I can really hurt myself with the cruel thoughts of my body.  That is NOT SEXY!  It's quite mean actually.   I've carried 2 babies which is awesome!  But my body is no longer 22.  My body is 46.  And life takes a toll.  I don't want to change my age!  I LOVE being 46.  I love the wisdom I have gained.  I love my insight. I love the fact I don't care so much (but I do care a little).  What I really hate is that I compare myself to the 22 yr old bodies.  So that shit needs to stop. NOW!

Here are a few things I want to change...

I want to be "crazy wild sexy" again!  Even with hot flashes!!!  
I want to dance
I want to make up my own rules
I want to love my body
I want to take chances and love big
I want to dive into life
I want to accept myself as I am
I want to be fierce 
I want to be a fucking goddess




And now the journey begins.  I WILL find my "crazy wild sexy!"  

I am going to change those wants to wills!

It's all in the attitude, right?  Change the mind. Change the life!

It's time to say YES to the deliciousness of life and NO to the petty bullshit!

I WILL be "crazy wild sexy" again!  Even with hot flashes!!!    
WILL dance
WILL make up my own rules
WILL love my body
WILL take chances and love big
WILL dive into life
WILL accept myself as I am
WILL be fierce 
WILL be a fucking goddess

Will you join me?  I think you should.  It could be really fun! Like really really really fun...

Be fierce my dear!

xoxo



Want to find peace?





Then stop trying to figure everything out!!!

Seriously.

(unless you are a cancer researcher or trying to cure diseases and such...then please keep trying to figure that out!).

What I mean here is... Stop trying to figure out why things didn't turn out how you wanted them to go.

UGH!!!

I do this all the time.  ALL. THE. TIME.

Questions like:

Why did he not like me?
Why do I keep meeting sick men?
Why did I not get that job?
Why can't I do a proper handstand yet?
Why did that student leave my class early?
Why can't I feel better faster?
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Why do kids get cancer (or anyone for that matter)?
Why do people want to kill each other?
Why have I not met my soulmate yet?
Why...why...why...

I am sure you have your questions.  And lots of them.

And sometimes folks,  there are no answers! That's just a pisser.

How frustrating, right!  But that's the thing...you gotta stop spinning when you can't find the answer or reason.  The mystery of not knowing can make you crazy.  Crazy! And grumpy!  And then it feeds the ego.  Ohhh yummy...the ego loves this game.  If you are not careful the ego will turn the game into: "I must be a bad person or there is karma from a past life that is catching up to me now."  I call BULLSHIT on that!  Believe it or not, some things happen and we'll never know why.  That's it.  No past life karma. You're not a bad person!  But the shoe dropped and now you have to move forward.  No one said it is easy.  That just sucks.

But the sooner you let go of trying to figure things out...the sooner you will find peace.  I assure you of this!

Again, it's not easy.  The mind wants to replay bad events over and over like broken record.  You have to be mindful and vigilant when going though a tough time.  You have to stop the broken record from re-playing.

BUT....How?

First, Breathing.
Then, noticing.
When you notice...you don't get hooked.  You notice the thoughts and rise above them.  Witness them in action and then breathe deeper and longer.  Go into your body and feel where the pain is.  Then breathe there. Stay right there until you soften.  Turn the tables on the thoughts and say something kind to yourself like:

I am strong.  I don't need to know the answer and that's ok.  I am worthy.  I am lovable.  I will make it though. I have faith. I believe there is something better on it's way.

I write this from experience my friends.  So many things I wanted, I didn't get.  Dreams I thought would come true, crumbled.  I felt like a victim for a long long time.  Then recently, I just said...fuck this!  I need to keep going and I need to live differently.  And now I keep a gratitude journal and reflect on it.  I see so many good things I never thought would happen!  There is a huge upside in trying not to figure it all out.  That upside is called peace.  Good things do happen.  And good things WILL happen.  Life will always be up and down.  Just try to keep your head clear and your heart open when the shit hits the fan.  OK?

Stop the chase (read this article).

You're best days are still ahead honey!

Love you!

xoxo


If you chase it, it will run




Ok lets set the record straight.

The more you chase something...the more it eludes you.  Truth. (well...the only exception is when a man chases a woman...not in a creepy dark ally kinda way!!!  But in a, "I want to pursue you and here are some flowers and I think you're pretty and can I take you to dinner? kinda way."  That chase works.  Other than that, chasing DOES. NOT. WORK.).

Trust me on this.  I've been chasing and I am flat out exhausted.

But chasing is human.  It is so hard not to chase because chasing makes us feel like we are doing something, right?  But chasing is like worrying...it gives us something to do, but gets us nowhere. Unless, you are literally chasing and running after something, then you are getting exercise...so that's not so bad! Anyway...

Here's where I am going with this...

Do you have something you want super duper bad???  Like, OH MY GOD I just want (insert dream here___________).  A dream job? A dream house? A dreamy husband? A baby?  I could go on and on and on...

You know what you want and you want it baaaaaaaad. And you want it right fucking now!!!

And so the chase begins.

Manifestation.  Thinking. Praying. Dream boarding. More manifestation.  Fucking manifestation is taking too long. Psychics. Tarot card readings. Private Pinterest board with all the images and quotes to bring me my dream. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.  Why is this still not working??? What am I doing wrong?  Why the hell is this taking so long? Temper tantrum!!!!  Crying... UGH!

Sound familiar?  This is pretty much my manifestation process. And it's exhausting. And not effective.

I am pretty sure I have read every book on manifestation. Dr. Wayne Dyer. Deepak Chopra. Doreen Virtue. Mike Dooley. Pretty much every author in Hay House publishing. I've spent a lot of money on books.  A LOT.

And what have I learned?  Well, it's easy and not easy to make your dreams come true. Awesome. That doesn't really help does it?

But in a nutshell...

Surrender.

BUT surrender is hard my friend!  Surrender feels like you are not doing anything.  I don't like it.  I like action.  How many times have you heard the phrase: "You have to get out of your own way?" Ugh!  I hate that phrase...because it's true.  It's so hard to not chase after your dream.  I know this.  So I am actually doing something different.  I am letting it go.  I still want my dream.  Hell YES I do!  But I am not going to obsess over it anymore.  I am just going to lay low and let the universe take over.  Instead of wanting it so much...I will just live my life and do what I need to do.  I will let the dream "be out there" but I won't think about it so much.  Does that make sense?

Will my dream come to pass? I sure hope so.  But I am done chasing after it.  I am too tired.

If you are tired of chasing after your dream. Gently lay it down.  Take the pressure off.  Let the universe or divine step in on your behalf.  Then go out and enjoy the heck out of life!  And hopefully one day you'll notice your dream has come true.  And if it doesn't?  Maybe it's because there is something better for you. Please believe that!

Trust the universe.  Believe in magic just for a little bit.  Miracles do happen.

You are worthy!!!

xoxo