Crying over broccoli

Tonight as I chopped broccoli for dinner, I began to cry. Honestly, I cry at the most bizarre times. Nothing brought it on. Well, maybe something did... I just began to wonder, will I ever make dinner for someone other than my children? Will I ever find myself in the kitchen with a man and be annoyed that he is in the way? My God...that would be amazing. What I would give to be annoyed! It's those little moments I miss being a single Mom.  The moments when you can look across the room and see someone you love doing something mundane like working on their computer or watching TV. The stuff I used to take for granted...

I wonder to myself, will I have that again?

The holidays are hard. I won't lie about that. I stuff the sadness down and smile. I see my friends post photos with their loved ones and pretend it's wonderful. Oh look it's Betty and Butch at a holiday party! Look at his arm wrapped tightly around her waist. She is claimed (lucky bitch!). But it doesn't always feel ok. Sometimes I feel really fucking bitter. And I really hate that I feel bitter, but I do...I am human after all.

CONFESSION... I really really REALLY miss having a companion. I miss talking to someone at night when my anxiety bubbles up like a can of coke that's been dropped and burst open. I miss having someone say...It's Ok, I got you. I miss hugging. I miss hand holding... I miss kissing (my God do I miss kissing!). I miss all of it. Even the ugly stuff.

The loneliness fills me like a heavy hard dark wet drape.

Heaven forbid I write these words for the world to read. How sad I am. A lonely wretch. Embarrassing to be so vulnerable...but the words want to spill out. And so I am letting them...

I'll have you know,  these words are not for the blissfully happy. Nope. These words are for the beautiful sad souls that feel lonely too. I see you. I feel your pain and I understand it. Deeply. I wish for you to find your partner, your person, your kindred lover. I wish for you to finally have your day in the sun. I want to see your happy photos on Facebook and celebrate that you are finally in a happy coupledom (but only after I am too...LOL). I want you to be loved and cherished and treated like the princess or prince you deserve to be! I pray that you are adored and kissed and held and soothed.

I wish this for you and I wish this for me.

There. I said it. I finally let the words spill out.  Just like my tears over the broccoli.



Naked



Hello world.  It's been over a year since I wrote here... So I apologize if this blog is a little dusty.

I am not sure why I am here today. I had an urge to write. My writing is not perfect and I don't care. I mean I care, but not really.  *sigh* Anyway... I took this photo this morning. I can't remember the last time I took a real selfie.  This one is pretty naked.  Just me. Right here. Stripped of anything unreal.

I am Naked.

I am neither sad nor happy. But I am feeling a lot inside.  My heart feels like bursting, it's very emotive.  I feel vulnerable and naked.  I feel changes in my life happening. Good changes. Scary changes. I am trying to stay in a solid and grounded place.

I am slowing way down.

I am deeply breathing.

As I approach my 48th year on this earth, I have experienced a lot. The past few years have turned me inside out.  But I feel like I am through those bitter, hard parts. And now I am getting off the roller coaster and putting my feet on solid ground. It feels good to get off that confusing circus ride, that's for sure. My focus is inward now. Through excessive and exhaustive self study, I know who I am and what I want. And that feels powerful.

I am tired though...

Even in my weariness, I will step forward into this new naked space. Something wants to be born there, but I don't know what.  I suppose time will tell. The energy will come when it's ready to emerge. I feel excited and much trepidation at the same time.  It takes courage to be naked. You can't hide when you are naked. Nope. Everyone can see your flaws and weaknesses. You are open to the wolves to devour you. But I'd like to think that my flaws and weaknesses are yours too.  So go ahead and take a good look. Stare and point if you want. It's ok. I know my flaws and have made peace with most of them (still working on that). I will be the first to admit I am not perfect. Not even close to perfect!  I'd rather have a big flawed heart that can hold your hand when you fall (i'll never push you down).  So, I want to tell you it's going to be ok.  These scars we wear are stories of survival.  So be naked. Be real. Be vulnerable. The world needs people who are not afraid to expose their heart.  This is a tender place to be.  But it's quite beautiful too.  Stay tuned for more...

Namaste my friends.






A New Season



Here it is...

My first leaf.

*sigh*


But I will say, I am not really that sad.  I am so ready for a new season.  I had a really good cry last night.  I deleted Facebook from all my devices. At first I was feeling a little impulsive about that...but now I feel total relief.  There are some groups I was a part of that I will miss...but I need to take a good long break.  The constant comparing is killing me.  The political rants. The vegans posting dying animals. The neighborhood watch posting all the muggings and break-ins.  And then...the cheery happy family on vacation. UGH! I feel like a failure as a Mother and woman when I see happy couples celebrating anniversaries.  I know...it's so stupid.  But I'm human.  And it hurts.  And so I need to stop picking my wounds and feeling shitty.  So no more!  Goodbye Facebook!

And with that I am beginning a new season.

I am going to focus on healing.  I am going to get quiet.  I am going to stop being friends with people that make me feel bad. I am going to start living from a more selfish space.  A space of self-care and compassion.  I am not going to do things that I don't want to do.  I am not going to give a shit if that makes someone upset.  I just can't live the way I have been living anymore.

And with that I am beginning a new season.

And in this new season, there are no excuses.  I also need to own my actions and stop wallowing in pain.  I've held on too long to pain.  I am so good at that...holding pain.  And that pain is a slow sad march in the darkness.  I believe we have seasons of pain...and even that is hard to let go of.  We humans love our suffering!  But now that season of pain needs to end.  And I will surrender and let go of that pain with an open heart.

And with that I am beginning a new season.

A season of joy
A season of light
A season of gratitude
A season of compassion
A season of self-care
A season of reflection
A season of surrender
A season of unknown
A season of magic

And as I write these words...I deem it so.


And with that...A new season begins.







Just say NO



When you hear the word "boundaries" do you bristle?  Or do you feel relief?  Do you feel safe with boundaries or constrained?  Can you easily say NO or do you accept every offer and every situation that comes across your lap? Do you put your happiness on the back burner to make others happy?

I used to be a YES girl.  I used to think boundaries were for suckers!  Who needs boundaries? Life should not be "bound". If I say YES he will love me!  And who cares about being walked all over...it's fine! UGH!!! So much UGH...

Let me tell you a secret...there is freedom with boundaries!  OMG... So. Much. Freedom.  Totally counterintuitive, right?  

Hear me out...

This is what I have experienced living without boundaries:
pain
suffering
sadness
fear
out-of-control behavior
flying by the seat of my pants (and not in a good way)
being walked all over
exhaustion
unhappiness
unease
resentment
freaked out
angry...very very angry

I could go on and on.  And just looking at those words, OY! they make me feel awful.

Much of my "boundary-less" life was very co-dependent too. Clearly.  *eye roll* 

I always thought that I had to make other people happy (despite my own happiness).  I felt the need to help all the time.  But no one was helping me (which pissed me off). I worried about hurting someone's feelings, even though they were hurting mine (which made me resentful).  I needed to be needed!!! And the worst, I didn't listen to my intuition and got burned many many times. OMG...listen to your intuition!  It's so much fucking smarter than your ego! 

Can you relate to any of this?  



If you are a woman, you are likely nodding your head. We are taught to be caretakers. It's in our nature.  It's not wrong to want to help others and take care of people.  It only becomes wrong when you are suffering because it. 

Hence, the need for boundaries.

I am not a psychoanalyst, but I've learned a thing or 12 over my 46 years here on earth.  And I've learned that setting boundaries (and sticking to them) has incredible freedom.  When you can say NO you are saying YES to your sanity.  

We all know when something is not right.  You can feel it in the pit of your stomach.  It festers.  And if you are anything like me...you may ignore it (because sometimes the truth just sucks).  And then maybe you drink a little too much wine hoping to dull that nagging sensation that something is really fucked up. *sigh*

You know what I'm talking about, right?

So... May I offer some hope?

Set boundaries.  You can start right now.  Look at your life and your relationships.  Ask yourself a few questions (even if it's scary and you don't want to face the truth)...

Am I spending too much time trying to please others? 
Am I feeling resentful because people are not making me happy?
Am I over-committing and feeling exhausted?
Do I give, give, give and not receive?
Do I need to be selfless all the time?
Am I angry because others are taking advantage of me?

These are questions I ask myself all the time now. ALL THE FUCKING TIME!  I am a classic co-dependent.  I used to have zero boundaries.  But not anymore.  I have learned (and still learning) to set boundaries. I say NO a lot.  I don't over commit. Most importantly, I know no one can supply my happiness (that was a big one!).  Boundaries supply a much saner place for me to live. AND, I'm much more in control of my emotions (happy dance with that!!). And I really stopped worrying about making people uncomfortable.  And I am compassionate with myself!  This my friends is the meaning of self love.  Love yourself enough to set healthy boundaries (please, don't take anyone's shit!).  Let people be uncomfortable if they must.  We (especially us co-dependents) cannot change people. And sometimes walking away is the kindest thing you can do for YOU! 

This shit is never easy my friends.  Life is complicated.  Don't make it harder on yourself than necessary, OK?

Oh and I noticed something really cool about setting boundaries...  

When you set boundaries, you raise your standards and you don't settle for 2nd best anymore!  Oh my dear, that is just the best feeling in the world!

Set boundaries. Own them. Just say NO when you need too.

xoxo


Resources:

The truth is




I am depressed.

This might be the hardest and most real post I'm putting "out there." And I know once it's "out there" there is no taking the post back.  But I feel the need to share this.  Because this is important.  And if you are someone who is afflicted with depression, my hope is that you'll find relief in my words.  You've got a friend right here.

So let me go back a little bit.  

I've had this underlying sadness for a long time.  Probably 3 years now (maybe longer).  This sadness  is always present, like a nagging undercurrent that never goes away.  I have gotten really good at hiding it.  And stuffing it. And dare I say...drinking it away sometimes.  But the sadness never really goes away. It's just this dull heaviness I've learned to carry around with me.  For awhile I thought this was normal...all people feel sad, right? Sure, people feel sad for a little bit and then are usually happy again.  But sadness, all the time, is not "normal." My life is sadness all the time with a little happy peppered in.  It really should be the other way around.  

For the past 3 years I have exhausted myself on reading pretty much every spiritual self-help book I could find. I have written enough positive affirmations to reach the top of the Sears Tower.  I have prayed. I write in a gratitude journal (still do!). I have done enough yoga to last 3 life times. And for crying out loud, I AM A YOGA TEACHER! How can I possibly be depressed?  Well folks, it happened. And it's now a journey I am learning to navigate and understand.  The brain is powerful beyond measure...and it's pretty easy to get sucked into the black hole of depression when major life changes happen (death, divorce, illness, hormones, etc.).  Depression is an illness.  I didn't ask for it.  I am not a bad person because of it.  But I am depressed.  And I am going to work through this.




So how did I discover I was suffering from depression?  I picked up a book (very accidentally) called "Uncovering Happiness." I opened up to a page that read,  "you might be suffering from depression if..."  And listed were about 30 different signs and symptoms.  I related to every single item EXCEPT loss of appetite (go figure)!!!!  Let me repeat, I related to every single sign of depression.  I felt my heart stop in that moment.  And then, I felt relief!  Like, OH MY GOD, this is it!  Finally!  I know what the fuck is wrong with me and now I can finally figure out what the fuck to do about it! It might have been my biggest Aha! Moment of my life.

I am not thrilled to write this post.  But I am thrilled to know that I can begin healing.  I am learning to notice my thoughts more and stop the loop of negativity.  It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination. But I now have tools that I can use...which is such a relief.  

AND...I am beginning to feel like myself again. 

I am mostly writing this post in hopes that it will reach someone who feels similar.  Just know there is hope and healing.  Our brains can be re-wired.  We can use mindfulness and self-compassion as a tool to heal and get our lives back.  We can be happy.  We all deserve to be happy!  I am working on happiness!

I am also working very hard on looking inward when I am not feeling good.  Exploring the pain.  That's the hardest part.  I want to bury the pain (I think we can all relate to that).  I want to bury the heavy emotions.  But I am learning to explore my pain so I can begin understanding it and then move forward into healing.  I am realizing that this might be the most important work I do in my life.

So there you have it.  I'm exposed and vulnerable.  But this is where my healing begins.

I am no expert on recovering from depression, but below are some resources that have helped me tremendously.  I am not out of the woods...but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.  And that makes me pretty damn happy!

So cheers to progress and feeling more happiness.  I wish you happiness!



Resources: 

Uncovering Happiness (book by Elisha Goldstein)
Do Yoga
Meditate
Talk to a friend or therapist 
Eat healthy foods and take Vitamin D
Get some sun
Go dancing
Go for at least a 15 minute walk (outside) with no phone
Mind your thoughts (can you "catch" recurring negative thoughts before springing downward)
Pet an animal
Take a hot bath
Journal
Take a social media break


Thug Unicorn



I am so into this.  Thug Unicorn! YES!  

Ok, lean in and listen ladies...  

OWN IT!

Did you get that?

Own. Your Shit.  The good and the bad! 

OWN IT!

For so long I felt inadequate. I felt bad for feeling too much.  I stuffed my feelings.  Then I became overly emotional.  Then I began to distrust my intuition.  I stayed in sick relationships too long because I just wanted to be part of "something."  OMG.  Such bullshit!!!  I put up with a lot of shit. I stood in fiery hell and watered other's while I burned.   I hung myself on the meat hook only to look down in pain to serve others before me.

I didn't own it.  I let other's own me.

No more.

I am a thug unicorn now.

What does that mean?

It's means this (to me...).  I will no longer step back and let others beat me up emotionally.  I will vow to love myself and practice self compassion.  When my intuition speaks up, I will listen (even if I don't like what it says).  I will love with power and passion!  And if you are part of my tribe...I am going to love you fiercely with no judgements!  I will honor your journey and be present and here.  I will put my fucking phone down when we talk!  I will live in the present moment.  I will let go when I am no longer honored or wanted.  I will be calm and quiet and peaceful.  But I may yell and scream and cry when necessary.  I will no longer walk on egg shells for anyone.  But I will be gentle and kind and empathetic.  I will wear my emotions like a badge but won't barf my shit all over you.  I will cry when I am sad.  I will be angry when I feel wronged.  I will laugh with abandon.  I will dance like I'm 20.  I will rock red lips if I want!  I will wear whatever the fuck I want!  I will eat cake without guilt.  I may drink a little too much one night and own the hangover the next day.  I will nap.  I will stay open.  I will remember I am worthy and strong.  I will play.  I will work hard. I will seek my truth daily.  I will be perfectly imperfect.  I will honor my journey.  I won't put up with bullshit.  And I will no longer settle for less!




Find more awesome quotes by Thug Unicorn here & here.


Now go out there and OWN IT!

Shine on!

xoxo


P.S.  I think you should write out your own thug unicorn manifesto!!






tender as you grow


No one said growth was easy.  

Actually growth is scary as fuck.  It's downright bewildering.  Life feels totally unstable.  You will lose yourself at times and you may lose family, friends, and lovers.

That sucks.  No lie.

And if that doesn't suck enough...then you may feel all alone.  All alone.  

But you are not entirely alone.

You have some help.  Your wise self.  Some angles perhaps.  The universe.  God.  Whoever you believe in.  Just ask for help.  Pray.  And then pray some more!

Yes, change can feel lonely.  And change is scary.  

BUT...that's OK!

I'm there.  Right now.  I am changing.  And it's really really weird and uncomfortable.

Because:


I am growing.  When the time comes in your life when your soul says...let's go, let's GROW!  You gotta heed the call.  And everything you knew before the call will change.  That's just how it works.

*gulp* 

Your life will change.  And a journey begins. A new chapter in your book of life!  As much as it's scary, it's exciting too!  Yes?  Your journey will not always be easy but it will be filled with all sorts of surprises. You will find some cool shit on your path. You might pick up and move far away.  You'll meet soul "mates" that jive with your new groove. You might even start taking salsa dancing lessons!  And for sure, you will find a bit of magic on your path.  Now that is something to look forward to!

The benefit of growth is you will be challenged to change the way your think, see and feel.  How cool is that?  AND, then *drumroll* you will begin to shed your ego (that's the not so much fun part...hate to spoil the fun).  Soul growth fights the ego and questions the ego's actions.  And the ego does NOT like to be questioned!  The ego abhors change.  And so the ego gets nasty and shitty.  Real quick!  So buckle up!

And how does one tame the beastly ego?

With tenderness my dear.

With tenderness.

I took the photo above this morning of my hand cradling the gentle blossom.  And that is what you must do...cradle your "humanness."  Be gentle with yourself as you journey forward into the unknown.  This is not a time to beat yourself up.  This is not the time to criticize. No no no!  

Tender as you grow. 

Tender as you journey into the unknown.

Hold softness towards yourself and be kind.  And be quiet.  And be brave!

Remember this!!

Listen to your heart.  Follow the gentle nudges.  Your soul is a master guide.  She knows where to go (she's been around awhile and knows more than you think!).  If you feel totally lost, blind and confused...get quiet. Listen.  Soul talk is sincere, loving and kind.  Ego talk is scary, mean and hurtful.  Listen to your soul.  Tell your ego to take a nap. Got it??  Cool...  

A napping ego is a happy ego (just like a toddler).

So if you are heeding a "soul call" and navigating life changes, be tender.  Surrender.  Don't fight your ego (if you can help it) and don't fight the process.  I fought hard for awhile... I can tell you from experience that it's exhausting.  But that was also part of my lesson.  My ego is a stubborn brat at times!  I am still learning.  And I am making my ego take more naps (it really helps!).

So my dear...  

Be tender as you grow.  Trust the process.  Trust the journey.  And enjoy the ride.

You are headed somewhere grand!!!  Like some place really awesomely grand!  

May you find peace and joy on your journey.

xo